i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
