she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
