i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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