You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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