I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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