I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
