Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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