Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
