hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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