she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
