Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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