We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
