watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
the liver wants what the liver wants
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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