No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
