I feel like abortions should bother me more
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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