Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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