if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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