fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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