im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
