I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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