At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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