Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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