I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
