Don't you send me to vm
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
