Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
