I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
