Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
