Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You made out with two different species that night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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