my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm passing your future prison.
she told me i tasted like america
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
