Her vagina should come with caution tape.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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