Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
