Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
