so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
