every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
