Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
