He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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