i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
