Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
