SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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