I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
