I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
