i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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