sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
