I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
