I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
