my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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