Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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