if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
