Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
