I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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