Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
