Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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