Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
