I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
