you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
