in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
