My room smells like vodka and shame
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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