If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
