is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
